Does anyone remember the guy who used to write letters on the back page of F1 Racing?
I got bored yesterday, and decided to write Danica and Dario a letter each in his style... Something for you to mock
Dario Letter
[spoiler]Alright Dario? How’s things?
I’m guessing you prefer the weather in the US to that of Scotland. as you’re still there. Last I heard, it’s still raining up there, and the ash cloud has been replaced with… The cloud of randomness that has reigned over your birthplace ever since us Englishmen built a wall to keep us away from the good stuff.
Anyway, good save on the Championship this year ol chap! The Pesky little Penske Aussie kid may be able to turn right, but it looks like he can’t turn left for shit. Or is it the fact that the Austrailians have such strict road laws that means that Power never drove above 70MPH before he joined the IRL? Either way, despite all his big talk (Did you hear him after Chicago?), he’s living up to his promises about as much as our Con-Dem government over here. (Seriously, good ol Drunken Kennedy could do a better job than those lover boys)…
Out of interest, did you learn your lesson, or do you still have the ambition to drive a stripped out road car round Daytona? It’s not like driving through Glasgow at 1AM you know, all the guys have fast pimpmobiles, and they don’t mind driving you off the road. Look at poor Danica. A good looking, talented racer, and the Rednecks ate her up. I think she could kick those Top Gear men in the crotch and still be unloved over there, and is that a world where you want to be? I mean you all get along so nicely in the IRL (Sorry… Indycar. I just started adjusting as well), to the point that you don’t mind when Sato goes all Kamikaze, or Milka Duno can’t find the Gas pedal. I half expect to see you round a big table drinking tea, and playing cards.
So. 2 races to go, and less than 20 points to make up. Surely thats do-able. I know you guys don’t actually use team orders over there (Did you hear, Ferrari are still up to their old tricks), and Dixon couldn’t give two shits if you’d lose the championship because he didn’t pull over and wave you through, but I think you have what it takes. No one knows which car is yours anyway. I thought it was Bennaton back in the 80′s that invited a load of people to chuck paint on the car, not the #10 machine. Seriously. Is it a case of give me $100, and I’ll let you put a sticker on the car, and paint a bit of it? Where the hell is the team identity? Do you not know that people move out of the way for anything that’s fast and red, or is that just Ferrari again?
An advantage for you, is that your pit crew can actually do a bit of maths. Seems the guys in Black and White can’t seem to work out how much fuel you need to travel more than about 10 miles, and their tyre work makes those Kwik-Fit tyre people look surprisingly fast. I’ll tell you now. If they were on a Japanese game show, they’d be stuck at the top of some mountain somewhere, where no-one could hear them scream. Try not to get to engrossed in the Japanese TV though, you have a job to do, and I’m sure driving around thinking some dragon will gouge your eyes out if you fail to set lap times within 0.1% of your fastest is something that will only put you off your quest…
… What’s the future holding for you by the way? Rumour has it that nothing’s been signed for next year, and with the Dan Chappie leaving Panther, he may be looking to comeback to the red and white team. Hopefully, your trip to the other side of the pond didn’t place any ideas in your head. Did you see how boring that race was? I’m guessing that the toilet facilities provided more of a talking point than the race, and they say they are the premier open wheel formula in the world.
What ever you do, beat Power. It’ll be a travesty to Indycar if the Champion cant even race well on an oval, and think of the cute Bullseye dog you’ll get if you win. Apparently they sell for about £20 on Ebay you know!
Anyway, have fun, and your Mom called, and reminded you to visit the hairdresser when you’re free. Apparently the long hair doesn’t suit you.
Laters!
Wil
P.S. The retirement age keeps on going up over here, so you can do a Tracy and race till you’re a pensioner if you wish[/spoiler]
Danica
[spoiler]Dear Danica….
How a couple of years make a difference eh? 2008, when you landed in Japan, people were asking you the same question 24/7. “When are you going to win Danica? When? When???”. Fast forward two and a bit years, and the spotlight is back on you…
… First off, please explain why, in all that is holy, you decided to race with the good ol rednecks of NASCAR? If you thought making an impression in the IRL was hard, NASCAR’s a completly different ball game, and this time round, you couldn’t even use your good looks to brush off your poor performance. Don’t get me wrong, you have talent, and do a good job at The Andretti driver factory, however, as far as career choices go, Racing is NASCAR is about as wise as someone with a blood phobia working as a surgeon.
Come on… Everyone was talking about women not being able to handle the stresses of Open wheelers, and these big old South american muscles machines weigh what 3 times as much? Unless you’ve been drinking raw egg and crunching barbells in private, it wouldn’t have taken a rocket scientist to say that it’ll be hard work driving those things. And the atmosphere’s nowhere near as friendly as well. The NASCAR boy’s don’t give two ****s that you’ve been voted IndyCar’s most popular driver. Hell they don’t even care that you’re a gal, all they care about is beating you, and making you look like a fool in the process.
And you even had the failure of Franchitti as a reference point! I mean, I know the NASCAR’s a bit of a bore at the best of times (I mean, what other series need to make up reasons to throw cautions to cause a bit of excitement), but even you must have seen his pathetic attempt of a 2008 season in between filming your Motorola adverts. And he’s an IRL Champion (Maybe again if you can beat the Penske’s this weekend). It takes a lot to be good in NASCAR, it’s a completely different ball park, and if you can’t commit full time, don’t bother!!!
So Ms Patrick, what to do eh? First off, Scrap off NASCAR. It’s not worth the hassle, and racing both series hampered your performance in the IRL as well as making you the laughing stock (No pun intended), of the NASCAR world. Secondly, when the newly single millionaire pensioner calls you up to try and get you to race in Europe, tell him politely to **** off. Your road course performance this year was, in a word, shocking, especially in the summer, and in Formula Whining, they insist on always turning both left AND right… Maybe your poor performance was attributed to armache from racing a car with a roof, however, stick to your strengths…
… Which, in case you fail to remember, is ovals. Looking through your past records, (Where, for once, Wikipedia doesn’t lie), your track record on ovals is far superior to that on road courses. What is it Danica? Did driving round roundabouts in Milton keynes mean you can only turn left today? Do you have a phobia of right turns? On a serious note, you’ve almost won at Indy twice, you’ve won at the toughest oval on the calender, and seem to better than most of the other Andretti cars when all that is required is to turn left (Even though TK seems unable to qualify any higher than last… or is it the fact he want to prove that you CAN overtake in Indycar?)
So… Danica, darling… Stay in the GoDaddy #7 car, but don’t bother in the one where you have to climb through a door to get out. Spend the winter playing IRacing, and learn the road courses. Politely refuse the invitation to engage in dirty sex games with Bernie and Max (You have a husband remember, and Mr Max likes more than just whips), and stay strong. You may just win Indy next year
All The Best
Wil x
P.S. There’s some Spanish guy in Formula Traffic Jam who wants to be the centre of attention. For all our sakes, let him keep that position. He cries enough as it is…[/spoiler]
Just trying to lighten the mood
*Waits for flames and lists of corrections from his Ghetto bunker*
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